I'm lots better again. I'm still a little lethargic in the evenings and can't get started imidiately in the mornings, but that's normal. What is important is that I'm back on track.
I woke up with a soar throat once again, so I'll be happily consuming huge amounts of tea I guess.
Atleast Bernd will bring me a coffee along when I'm working today. It's nice to have the colleauges that you like around during your shift. He's not working today but has to study for some exams, so he's probably around till the end of my first shift and will drop by when he takes breaks.

On a totally unrelated note, I'm pretty much into movies lately, atleast considering how little I watched before, so I thought, maybe I'll start a movie-list, too, like I've seen it at some of the people from my f-list. 
I might already have forgotten some, but well. That's what I can remember from January.

( movies 2009 )

Talking about reading, 2008's booklist is a shame. I only managed 61 books. And I'm pretty sure, this year it will even be less. Not to mention that it included way to little university stuff, which for once results from the fact that I barely read the complete book but only seperate chapters, but also proves that I'm simply not doing enough. But this isn't meant to be another "I'm not dedicated enough" rant, I'm pretty sure this year will hold enough of them even if I don't start right now.

Anyway, this is the start of the new list, so come in and enjoy.

( booklist 2009 )

Okay. I DID complain today. BUT it wasn't whiny-complaining. I called my mum, and during our conversation she developed her usual: "oh you will do just fine, you always manage" attitude. This gets me mad every time she does it, especially because she's not the only one to reason like that. I didn't complain about my workload, I just told her that some days I felt overwhelmed and that next term would be tough, but that I had conciously chosen things like this. I know I'm responsible for my choices and I knew what I was getting myself into before. That's not the point. The point is, that I will have to struggle to manage, and that I fear I might fail or atleast not do as well as I would like. And I wanted her to acknowledge this fear. Of course it's comforting when people believe in you, but it's not helpful when they do it in a way that gives you the impression that they don't take your fears serious.
I'm not wonderwoman, and I want her to acknowledge when I do well and I want her to to accept and understand that I do hold my fears and insecurities. I don't think this asks for to much and today I explicitely told her that. After she responded the fifth time with, "well yes, BUT..." I got a bit louder and tolder her "No! Not BUT. I'm insecure and I'm dreading the next term ab bit, and I don't need people to tell me I'll just manage great. I want them to accept that it in fact IS alot of work and that I've got the right to fear failure too. That's all I'm asking for." She accepted this then, finally.

Is it stupid to think like that? I don't know. But I can't help feeling like this.

Generally, the conversation went fine, though. As usual, she didn't ask me anything, she didn't show particular interest in my life or studies, but maybe one day I get used to the fact that if I want her to know things, I'll have to tell her about them without being asked. I wont change her. Atm, I guess I'm not fully ready to accept her the way she is because to many things she does I just can't understand. But I guess time will help. Maybe I first have to gain more distance from her before I can finally fully accept the way she is and make my peace with her.